Wednesday, October 6, 2010

OMGWTF...Really? (Home Edition)

I’m doing something a little bit different for “hump day.”

Usually when I talk about travel, I focus on makeup, skincare, hydration, hair care, etc. During my last trip, I really was thinking about those things on the plane. That is, until I picked up a copy of Skymall. For those of you who don’t fly much, Skymall is a catalogue located in the seat pocket of the airplane. (It’s usually in front of the safety information card and behind the pretend magazine.) Skymall is chock full of gizmos, gadgets, furniture and…stuff. Apparently, tons of people browse the catalogue during their flights and end up ordering things from it.

Anyway, I was flipping through it, and I couldn’t believe some of the things for sale in there. There was a whole bunch of really tempting cool stuff. But…since I usually post about cool stuff; I thought I’d share some of the really…um…different…stuff.

King Tut's Egyptian Throne

Blurb: Our artists worked to capture every detail when they re-created this attention-demanding, full-size replica throne from King Tut's 3,500-year-old museum original in Cairo.

This is the item that made me think, “I have to post this on my blog!” Because…really? A throne? I wonder what kind of person sits on an airplane, flips through a catalogue, and then says, “Aha! There it is! The perfect throne for that corner in the living room! I’ve been looking at thrones for weeks, and it was right here in Skymall all along!”

"The Grand Ruler" Life-Size Anubis Statue

Blurb: At more than eight feet tall, Anubis is ready to protect your Egyptian palace. We guarantee heads will turn toward this enormous, more than eight-foot-high masterpiece whose "wow factor" rivals every other statue we've produced! Paying homage to the god of admission to the underworld.

I know I just hate it when my Egyptian palace is left unprotected. I also want my guests to feel warmly welcomed to the underworld. So what could be better than a hospitable, hand-painted god (complete with scepter and ankh)? And…did someone say life-size? How did they ever manage to figure out an ancient Egyptian god’s actual measurements? Those Skymall folks are clever.

T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy Frieze

Blurb: Our Toscano-exclusive wall trophy celebrates one of history's largest known land predators, the fabled T-Rex! Mount our prehistoric, treasured artifact on home or garden wall for Jurassic-sized impact in your own museum!

Now this is definitely one of the more useful items in the catalogue. No one ever believes me when I regale them with my dinosaur hunting stories. Now I can offer actual proof of my adventures. (And I also have something festive for that hard-to-decorate east wall in my “museum.”)

Bath Tissue Tyrant: Dragon

Blurb: This medieval-style toilet tissue valet guards your bathroom bounty with Gothic flair! Unique to all the kingdom! Due to the nature of this item, we are unable to accept returns.

Another truly practical item. I’m not a morning person – so I’m usually groggy and disoriented when I first wake up. I think that seeing a fierce, Gothic tissue valet first thing every morning would be a great way to jump start my day. The blurb warns that this item is not returnable! As if! I’m going want a little friend like this in every bathroom!

Roswell, the Alien Butler

Blurb: Whether you use his flying saucer tray to serve guests or to ponder the mysteries of the galaxies, you're sure to admire the painstaking detail of this fellow from "the beyond." Cast in quality designer resin for use in home or garden.

Poor Jeeves. Obviously the 21st century has tossed him aside for a younger, flashier, naked foreign guy with ripped abs. This must be what all those pundits are worried about when they talk about aliens taking up the “good jobs.”

Babette Table

Blurb: Seamed stockings, red garters, and strappy red heels combine to demand attention in this retro work of decorative art for home or gallery. The 3/8" thick, pencil-edged, 18" dia. tempered glass tabletop balances on a sturdy fulcrum while our sexy miss tips her champagne glass.

Is it my imagination, or does “Babette” look like she’s been around the block a few times? Maybe even more than a few times? I’m not so sure anyone should be drinking out of that particular champagne glass.

Basho the Sumo Wrestler Glass-Topped Table

Blurb: Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances. Our table is topped with a 3/8"-thick, pencil-edged, 27" dia. tempered glass top for views from any angle. Cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden.

The time-honored, revered sport of Sumo wrestling requires talent, dedication, sacrifice and unimaginable discipline. These elite athletes undergo years of grueling preparation, hoping their skill and perseverance will be rewarded with victory and recognition. And it goes without saying that each of these valiant warriors longs for the day that he or she will be immortalized in designer resin and topped with tempered glass. Basho must be the envy of the locker room!

Folies Bergere Boudoir Stool

Blurbs: After a day of follies, rest your tired gams on this whimsical, oh-so-French footstool. Its plush, upholstered cushion lowers a swagged curtain on four legs kicking up fashionable fun in garters and high heels.

I’m…speechless. (Maybe because my gams are tired from a day of follies.)

Mademoiselle Floor Lamp

Blurb: Our life-sized work of decorative art - glamorously six-feet tall with her black fabric shade has the chic knee-high boots, trendy cocktail dress and accentuated curves that make her a timeless, always-in-style, fashion statement. Cast in quality designer resin with a sumptuous black faux-leather finish, her provocative presence demands attention anywhere she strikes a pose!

Well, this is a beauty blog after all. I couldn’t leave this out. And I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her before. She was the one on Cycle 4 of America’s Next Top Model who was sent home for “not wanting it badly enough.” Well, Tyra, I guess she took the judges’ advice to heart – just look at her now!

Thanks all for letting me indulge a little. I promise we’ll return right back to beauty land just in time for Your Thursday Face! Have a great day (and please return your seats and tray tables to their upright and locked positions).

(ftc disclosure: I didn’t buy any of this stuff)

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